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How do I initiate sex with my partner?

By Emily 29 days ago. Posted in Relationship Advice
How do I initiate sex with my partner?

One of our most common questions we get here at ATMS HQ is: "How do I initiate sex with my partner?"

Often people don't know how to start a little something something with their partner, or they're afraid of rejection, or they've been rejected a lot and they've lost confidence.

Others are just nervous or feel awkward. But there's no reason to feel that way. They key is in finding out the best way your partner wants to be asked. And that involves having a conversation.

Pour a glass of wine or make a cup of tea and get comfortable. Communication is key to a healthy sex life. Reassure your partner that you're enjoying the sex you have (if you're enjoying it) and let them know you'd like to know the best way to ask for sex.

Be vulnerable and be honest. Let your partner know you're nervous or that you feel awkward. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

I really love having sex with you! I would love to have more sex but I don't know how to ask for more sex. What works best for you?

If that just feels too forward, that's ok! You can just have a conversation using question prompts. Psychology Today suggests the following:

Ask: “Would you rather be asked (verbal) or touched (physical)?

There is a clear distinction between talkers and touchers. Some people love to have clear, verbal invitations to sex; for them, talking is a form of foreplay. Others are turned off by the use of words; they would rather be turned on with a graze of their skin or a prolonged hug or kiss.

Would you rather be approached subtly or directly?

Some people love to lay their cards on the table, with direct requests or suggestions that leave no room for misunderstanding: “Are you in the mood?” or “Get into bed now!” But others would find such directness startling, cold, or abrupt. Instead, they’ll talk about a preference for the seduction game, with subtle teasing or flirting that allows them to get them in the mood.

Would you rather be surprised, or see it coming?

One person may want to anticipate, think about, and/or plan for the event as their arousal evolves, while others find that their arousal erupts when they are surprised. These people will often talk about “spontaneity": Do you want me to give you a "heads-up" that I am thinking about sex, or do you want to be surprised?

We hope this helps! Communication is crucial to having a happy and healthy sex life. So, it's time to start talking!

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